Cycle of responsibilities.

It’s five o’clock in the morning. That annoying alarm rings and pulls you out from your dream. Wait you weren’t dreaming you’d just shut your eyes afew hours ago. You were too tired to dream.

Oh well you have  your morning routine. Basically how you wake up,get ready and leave the house with a coffee mug  and apple before 6am so you can beat traffic and get behind that desk by eight. Hold up you’re still trying to impress your boss so you get to work by 7:30 am. (That ought to get you a promotion in a couple of years). You’ll also leave at six instead of five for this same reason. Get  stuck in that heavy traffic.

Finally you get to the house at 9pm. Just in time to sit with the family and watch prime time news. It’s ten pm  time to do the dishes. Ohh I forgot to mention- you haven’t moved out yet. You’re still living with your parents and house chores must be done. There’s house rules so you can’t drink one for the road or go out to blow of steam.

Around eleven you take a shower, chat up that human you’ve been trying to impress, scroll through the gram. Wait you forgot to have dinner and you just remembered you have a school project. So you do both simultaneously and just when you start feeling sleepy you have to do abit of work. Finally it’s 2am you black out halfway through that ‘I love you’ text that will not be received. You’ve got three hours to sleep cause that alarm will be ringing yet again in three hours.

You do this give or take days a week. On the six day you clean the house. As I said you haven’t moved out. You meet up with your gang and talk about how you’re going to be someone great.

‘this is just for now. In a few years I’ll be doing something I love. We are gonna make it and hit up vacations like bosses,’ 

That’s the lie you feed yourselves though a huge part of you is scared the only place you’ll live the dream is when you’re asleep.

This is the life many young people are living now. Ofcourse you’ll try defend your lifestyle by trying to find how different your life is. The truth is that a majority of us are living like this. Living a lie with a false purpose. Making money to pay the bills can’t be your purpose.

There’s those struggling to do courses that their parents put them on. You wanna make them proud and that has become the veil to your true purpose. So you waste your time in your cowardice and eventually loose that passion and wind up being alive and not truly living.

We have those of us stuck doing jobs cause we have bills to pay. A lifestyle to maintain. An emptiness we are trying to fill out.  The truth is if an office job and a degree were all it took to be successful and happy then the entertainment and art industry would be a myth. We wouldn’t have children making a living from innate talent. 

I don’t want us all to be entertainers. But we should all be dream chasers. Let your purpose be your primary priority and all those bills will pay themselves. Don’t drop out of school cause apparently school isn’t as important anymore. If you know what you’re doing in that campus and have a passion for it you’ll find the importance of a good education or the drive to go through that boring lecture.

We are a generation that grew up swearing not to be like our parents. Making claims to change the world. We vowed to chase our dreams when we were twelve. Then we hit our late teens and suddenly we are chasing to give our children a better future. We are doing exactly what we swore we wouldn’t.

Honestly most millennials have parents who already made that sacrifice. We are the children who’s futures were being given a pathway for.  We are the generation that has opportunities to shape the course of the future.

You don’t need to conform to the world as you wait for the time to be right. The only way to get that independence we want,those lives we live with our eyes closed is by following our hearts. 

We all have a purpose as to why we exist. These different purposes should guide us into different paths and some put us in the same paths.  If you can’t chase after your true purpose then you are a coward and a fool too. 

I know for sure I shall chase after my purpose. Im sure at some point I might trip,fall or even get lost but no way am I going to conform to this cycle of responsibilities lifestyle. I shall make the sacrifice of those who came before me have value. I’ll also make a point surround myself with such people. I’m not going to change just to get a job. My personality is who I am and I’m not going to mask it to impress a panel. 

So before you sign up for that course,apply to that school, take up that gig, go to that interview,write that essay ask yourself.  It’s Do I want to live? Or am I okay with just not dying? Am I okay with  having a substandard life to fullfil recruitments set by other people?

#girl61

#diaryof1000girls.

PHAKADE

 
I’m living with a child. I want to choke him with a pair of those dirty socks he left next to the laundry bin.AGAIN!’ one lady said as she made a gesture to show how angry she was.

They laughed at it for a while and a few more shared their frustrations. It’s what they did when one of them was having a hard time. They met up wine and dine mainly focussing on the wine part. Solutions would come following alot of venting and rants.

‘can you believe he calls me dramatic. I’m not dramatic I mean I’m just very expressive that’s all’

 the drama queen in the group said. Although they all knew she was dramatic they agreed with her. The time to tell her the truth would come later. This time was for venting.

He’s still in denial that he snores. Then there’s the annoying way he  gets when he wins anything. Have I mentioned he can argue about everything... honestly he is the best deal I could ever get.’

Those words left her lips before they’d crossed her mind. She was actually shocked at how easily they had slid off​ her tongue. Was there any regret? As soon as those words had formed she knew they were a reflection of the truth. After alot of ‘tea spilling’ with her girlfriends she found herself on a trip down memory lane.

He was the most annoying person she could think of. He had a wild and untamed ego and was probably the cheesiest man on the planet. There was also  the foolish things he did ,one of which had resulted in her being a mom to triplets. He knew how to tick her of.

Life has a way of playing tricks on people. He could be nightmare but he was also her sweetest dream. The biggest mistake he’d ever made  nine months later (when she miraculously delivered three beautiful babies) turned out be the best gift to her. She had fallen in love with him because of how  strongly he could stand for what he believed in. She loved how passionate he could get in an argument even when he was wrong. How he would have twice that passion when loving her behind closed doors.He has a keen eye and could point out even the slightest mistakes and she loved him more because he didn’t point out her  obvious flaws. 

There’s no way she could get over the fact that he felt like her fourth child. Lord knows she wanted to gag his mouth with his dirty socks each time she picked them up ( and no! She didn’t mean in that 50 shades of grey  kind of way) .  With all those flaws he was the best father and husband.

 He loved his family and devoted his life to them. The truth is some of  flaws (spending issues, the daredevil nature, how freaky he could get) they were the source of her joy,love, happiness,adventure and they fueled her soul. That’s why she meant it when she said he was the best deal she could get. It was also why she had gotten to a point where she didn’t judge other people’s partners.

Love has a way of changing one’s mind and heart. It has the power to change one’s view of life. It can make something 2D get afew more dimensions. There’s a theory that the people you love most are the ones you complain about the most. That the people who complain most about you love you the most. They find themselves missing those flaws when you’re gone. 

Moms,dads, siblings, boyfriends, girlfriends,pets. You often find yourself complaining about them: she’s too loud,he doesn’t get jokes,they  joke too much, he’s such a nerd, she’s too reserved,it won’t stop playing. When you sit down and think back, or you are away from all this things it’s when you realise that you miss them too. That when it’s true love it’s the good,bad and the ugly.

She had a list of a million things she didn’t like,others that she feared about him and the unfortunate facts that made her sad. Yet ,she loved him. He was her forever. The man who could make her face burn up like an infatuated twelve year old.

The only way to have a forever with someone is bylearning to treasure the little moments. Knowing there will be days all you’ll want is to dance to partition and nights you’ll watch them fall asleep on you. It is understanding that on some days you  will want to throw something heavy at them and accepting that there will be times you will need some ‘time out’ to figure things out.It’s a good thing forever is a long time…

#girl60

#diaryof1000girls.

Kiss and Tale

 Can I do this…

Allow myself to feel,let my feelings lead

Trust that it’s okay for you to  please

 me with what I only hope is truth or atleast acceptable lies that won’t burn my soul

let you fill the emptiness in missing pieces on a broken vessel poorly glued.

My skin remembers the feeling but doesn’t recognise this hands

Can I do this… Unlearn his print and embrace yours. 

That is the loud outcry I was silently yelling. Seated across from him I can tell he’s nervous.He’s looking at me like I’m the best thing that happened to him. I know he actually believes that.There’s a theory about how to tell where a man’s heart lies. If he spends the most important resources on you then he’s down for you.

This man requesting to see the wine menu- he’s down for me.I care about the fancy restaurants and the lush life but I’m not with him cause of that. I’m with him because he gives me what he treasures most -his time.

I can’t do this…

Love him back when I question if he’s the answer to the blank spaces in my soul.

But I have to

Start myself on a rescue mission

He is happy :satisfied by the thought that

This smile,the look in my eyes, the lack of speech ,the tears

because of him

He is wrong- maybe part of the tears 

The guilty part

The rest belongs to another

A previous love

One that spoke the language of my soul.

 

As he speaks I slowly drift away. He’s good but he doesn’t have what I want. Then I remember his face. Lord knows I had fallen for those eyes. Not the man I’m with but the one that never was. 


His eyes had a glow. They were drenched in wanderlust. He got me to explore so much by just looking into his eyes. Then there was his touch. I can’t forget how he once held my waist from behind. The sensation was strong .I felt paralysed and for a moment my world was of two souls. I want to feel that again. I crave for his voice in my ears, raising the dead parts of my soul with his vibrations. I want his arguments,his laugh,his long days and his sweat on a hot day. The scent he oozes that drives me into a trance. That’s what I want but I can’t seem to get that. I can’t replace him partky because I don’t want to.

Let’s do this

Be the tale that I can’t tell

With your lips

Remind me how he tasted

That it was extraterrestrial

A concoction of moondust and drops of sunshine

The perfect temporary forever.

This first love cannot be forgotten yet it can’t be my last

He is why I can’t love you 

He is why I will love you

 By  now he is done pouring out his soul and it’s my turn to speak. He has no idea the war I’ve been fighting all this while. I won’t tell him that his proclamation of love was a distant echo. I know what to do now I’ll work with what I have. 

‘I love you too,’ I say the words trusting that one day I’ll actually mean them…

#girl59

#diaryof1000girls

Are you okay with this?

She had  heard it all .Different versions of what should and what shouldn’t be done. The people who unknowingly condemned her and those who shamed her. She had done it all cried herself to sleep, stayed awake for weeks, eaten her feelings, starved herself. She had punished herself way more than anyone could. She just needed a way to deal with that loss…a way to cope.It’s a whole different kind of loss when what you loose is yourself. Whether it’s complete loss or a part of you it’s a type of pain that can’t be explained. She felt empty and so many years down the line she could still remember every second of the worst days in her life. She found herself re-living those moments and going through the pain, shame,fear,anger,hate,guilt and loneliness over and over again. What was done could not be undone and it changed her forever.

The faces of those who took what she valued most were vivid in her mind. Some were strangers others unfortunately people she knew. She never told anyone (again) after the person she confided in had quickly found way into the list of people assaulting her. In all her struggles she was happy that people spoke more about rape and all forms of sexual assaults. However it was devastating how quickly the victim could become the villian.

There’s a rising number of women between sixteen and and twenty four being sexually violated. A rising number of girls who think making love and not simply being (pardon my language) fucked only exists in movies. A rising number of young women who miss out on love because their idea of love has been corrupted. Women who are so scared,bitter,angry,empty,sad, weak and lost. Women whose identity is lost.

What were you wearing? Did you say no?Are you sexually active? Do you have more than one sexual partner? Were you sober? Did you moan? Did you fight back? We’re you a virgin?Did you go to his house willingly?.….. Isn’t it obvious we are asking the wrong questions? That we are sending out out the wrong messsage. That instead of teaching young men to respect and love women we are teaching young women to be scared and that they should be cautious around men. Instead of teaching on asking for consent we basically say that a man has no control over his sexual urges (which is a lie).

It’s clear that what counts as consent is unclear to many. That so many young people have no idea what their rights are to a point that some discover they’ve been abused years after the abuse.  The lack of proper sex education leading young hmen and women to commiting sexual offences without knowledge. It’s time we teach our young men to pause and ask for consent. To teach them that sometimes the girl is too shocked or maybe too drunk to say no and taking a moment to see her body language can make all the difference. Time to teach women that they have a right to say no ,that they have every right to find pleasure in sex,that men too have control in the same way that they too can get all hot and bothered.

 I want  a world where my son will have a drunk girl in his bed yet not lay a finger on her inappropriately. A world where I can understand that my man ain’t up for things going down and I’ll respect that. A world where a girl with a bad reputation is dignified with the question ‘is this okay’

There is so much information now about sexual assault how to stop it,how to prevent it and how to deal with  survivors. TV.shows such as 13reasons why, broken vows, The Quad,make it or break it and more highlighting these issues. Books articles,art and even music on this topic. Ignorance shouldn’t be a plea anymore.we all have power to make a difference it’s  as simple as this: YOUR MOVE

#girl58

#diaryof1000girls

Bond or bound?

As a child she saw the world in black and white both litterally and in a perception kind of way. She anticipated growing up cause all her question marks would get filled out. Unfortunately the older she grew the more things got lost somewhere in the grey area.
She found herself lost and not in a good way. The source of her happiness was turning out to be a burden. He was as perfect as perfection could get. The soul piercing eyes that saw past the rubble in her life, the hair on his head which he let her play with. He was smart and ambitious in that sexy way that could even give men a man crush. He fueled her wanderlust with his adventurous mind.

There was something electric about his hands on her skin. Every time he touched her she felt like the canvas of a midieval artist ;adored,loved…maybe even worshipped. He loved her passionately….such a situation shouldn’t be corrupted by problems yet it was because they had one difference which seemed to be the deal breaker.

Two souls bond by love but bound by religion. That was their story and most stories that begun like that often had the same tragic end. She loved him regardless of what he was raised believing in and they’d found a way to put their differences aside and embrace each other. The issue was that what they shared seemed forbidden by their families . Like so many such stories the only way they’d survive is if they lost everything else.  That was her burden now because her mother didn’t care if he treated her well ,she was more concerned with the day he deemed sacred. His father didn’t care if she was an outstanding woman he just wanted to know which doctrines the grandchildren would follow. Something that was supposed to be beautiful brought out the ugly.

This is the narrative of so many people who find love outside their religion. Its the type of thinking that has resulted in people asking about religion on first dates or deciding not to go on the second date cause someone’s name suggested a religion that isn’t theirs. Is it really worth it? Are we really meant to choose between love and religion? Does it have to be a matter of one person compromising their beliefs for the other?

Very few people get to choose their religion. We are simply born into it and our parents raise us feeding us information,in other cases it’s simply a name that automatically determines who I can and cannot start a life with. Was humanity born to be separated by religion? That through it we get more divided and habour hatred for each other? Are we bound to religion such that we can’t see past it?  Honestly the answers to this questions all lie in the grey area. 

She knew there was something off about letting her happily ever after over religious grounds. They shared ideologies like truth,integrity,love,loyalty and morality this were enough to judge a person’s character. She would have to take that lonely path of two and hopefully teach her kids differently than she was taught. She’d let them live by the philosophy of love.

#girl 57

#diaryof1000girls

Carpool

What keeps you up late at night? Actually what gets you out of bed before the alarm event rings? 

She wondered if she was wrong to ask him that. He was in the middle of arguably one very romantic proposal yet that was where her mind was.Wandering off to the fact that he told her she was his world and that she was all that mattered (At 21 really!!!). This was outrageous. She was practically an error in creation. Lord have mercy on your poor soul was how she ended it with him after giving him a pep talk about wanting more out of life.

She thought about her life. Soon people would ask questions,the pressure would rise but to her this Tsunami dillema people assumed she was in was more like a passing  draft in a pool. So mild it didn’t move her at all. She knew what she wanted from life. She had known ever since she was a teenager. 

There is peace involved with certainty. She was certain that her plan was worth every sacrifice and this peace gave her the confidence and patience she needed. It was how a decade down the line she found herself feeling what people feel during a proposal. Finally she was getting those butterflies and jelly knees. Her heart beat like a blood drum and she knew in that moment that saying yes in this situation was worth all the other no’s before it.

She was what people call over-ambitous and a hard target. She had her life plan mapped out and lived every moment to achieve that goal. She also knew that she would need someone in her life who had such strong vision. That was how she had found him. Years into a prosperous career and a huge following of prying eyes she met a person who understood what passion was.  A person who understood she would never be sorry for not having him as her first priority one who wouldn’t have her as his first either until a chain of fulfilled goals had been achieved.

…sounds familiar? Maybe  or maybe not. The reality is we can’t all be the same and some of us are just wired differently. It’s one of the reasons we have different philosophies of life. The whole point is I’m sure each one of us was placed on this earth with a purpose whether divine or scientific. If your life ends before you fulfill your purpose then the world suffers a loss.

Its high time we stopped thinking about what others will think or what obstacles will stop us. Instead, get your priorities straight and strive to achieve them. Embrace your passions and fight for them. Put yourself first and be your number one priority then align yourself with people who understand this too. Get yourself that life partner who gets that at twenty he/she can’t be your top priority. A person who gets that you have a vision and purpose and a some entity with needs. Align yourself with people who are so driven in life. There’s nothing like being over-ambitous that’s just a word invented to slow you down. Don’t be afraid to shed of baggage and tell them it’s not me it’s you. 

…tell me your first thought in the morning,the last one before you sleep; introduce me to your ambition your sacred dreams. I want to know what drives and how bad you want to get there…

 Get to a point where you have your identity so strong you can’t get lost in another person’s life.

#girl56

#diaryof1000girls 

Bad Hair Life.

What exactly is meant by a bad hair day? I’ve heard that saying so much but I’m yet to figure exactly what it mean. Does it even have anything to do with hair or is it just one of those expressions like ‘got up on the wrong side of the bed’.

Oh well…I understood that says from a litterally point of view. Growing up I watched alot of foreign movies and in most of them when a bad hair day was mentioned it looked a lot like my hair. in those scenes the hair wasn’t smooth,it was puffy,hard to brush and totally tasking to manage. Basically  typical 4C type characteristic but I didn’t know that until I was around two decades old.

Talk to an African girl about one of the worst experiences growing up and there is a high chance she’ll mention her hair. By the standards pre-set in the world we were having​ a ‘bad hair life’. All this was before the natural hair movement began.The hair types came up and finally we could all learn how to love ourselves. It came in like a wave spreading so fast and sweeping up all that lay in its path.  It was a beautiful wave that slowly brought an end to all the hair hate  that was destroying us.

My hair has been a testament to this hate. I had to hide it under braids,heat straightening,chemical straightening, a million texturizers and even cutting it of.That last one was a major blow to my identity. I love my hair yet due to some apparent standards I had to cut it of…back to the main point…ahh the wave.

Yes now the world is in a pro hair love era. The era when you can love yourself whether your hair grows towards the sun or it’s towards the earth. Times when I see small girls being taught how to grow their afros. No more taming the mane.  A time where we have dolls with all types of hair.

There’s so much we can say about this century both good and bad but I’m pretty sure that a major mark has been set.  This is the century in which humanity has learned to embrace diversity and to love it. We now live in times where proffessional can walk into offices in dreadlocks ,afros,curly hair,kinky hair,bald and with straight hair. A world  that is cleansing itself of the negative energy that was poisoning our minds.

I’m sure some people think it’s just new age nonsense but open your eyes.Such things are what make and break people. Personally I am glad to know that I don’t have bad hair. That I was simply using products for another person’s hair. I am happy with the fact that someone somewhere thought about the diversity in humanity and shared. I love the fact that I can find products that don’t try to change me but instead support me.  I feel obligated to make sure none of my kids or their friends ever asked up thinking ‘damn I’ve got ugly hair’.

It’s high time we embrace who we are. Whether it’s that thick 4C afro that has magical shrinking power,the curly hair, the straight hair, the silky hair,the hair that feels too oily, that very special natural red in your hair and even streaks of white hair. Diversity is what makes the world so beautiful. No more ‘BAD HAIR LIVES’.

# girl55

#diaryof1000girls.

Let’s talk dirty


I’m pretty sure the tittle got some of you secretly praying for me. Specifically if it happens to be an African mom (like mine) intersession has began to chase demons away. So let me clear things up….

I recently realised a huge percentage of girls and women I talk to are really shy when it comes to sexuality. It was funny at first how we say bad manner instead of sex  and just call sexual body part in the greatest and weirdest euphemisms ever. On the other hand the guys have met talk about sex so openly and they’ll talk about that ‘fine ass’ when they see it.  Clearly something wasn’t right.

Well I’m going to speak from a point of view I understand. I am an African specifically Kenyan girl. All through out my growing up sexuality has been awkward to speak of to a point it feel wrong. You hit puberty and you are told not to show yourself to men, men are more sexual,  be careful all men want is sex, don’t walk around men… This list goes on and on. When for sure those are not facts we end up believing in them.Its not such a wonder so many women don’t believe in love. How could they when they are raised to fear those they should love…

Then when you get all curvy you have to go through the stress of hiding all that because well… You shouldn’t show yourself. All this results in production of wonen who are so shy and embarrassed of their sexuality. This is how it’s awkward for them to help younger girls be comfortable in their sexuality and the vicious cycle continues.

So we don’t talk about sex ,we don’t talk about how we feel when people touch us in certain ways. As a result so many young girls get sexually assaulted and don’t even know it happened until much later. There’s also the shame when a girl is feeling all horny and because she’s been raised to know such urges are wrong she just tries to suppress it. Then when she starts falling in love she doesn’t know what to do with such feelings.

So yes maybe it’s time we raise young women to know it’s not a shame to be sexual. That having big titties don’t mean you a whore. That it’s okay to wear pants that fit you and all that ass can be flaunted. It’s high time women realised that this euphemism we put is one of the reasons why so many young girls get unwanted pregnancies, messy abortion, sexually violated,low self esteem and so many other issues.

It starts with ending the whole slut shaming. Which unfortunately is done by women. It’s also about saying things straight up. Don’t raise a girl telling her sex is wrong how in the hell is she supposed to enjoy it when the time comes while at the back of her mind she’s picturing her mother in SMH mode. Don’t raise a girl to fear men and think of them as beasts. Her father is a man and her brothers,her male cousins- are they beasts too?

It is such things that make girls who get raped not report because a part of them is ashamed and the other guilty. Guilty that she feels she brought it on herself. So let’s do it…let’s talk dirty let’s go for lunch and comfortably talk with our girls about contraceptives, about family planning ,about how hot we are, about how we like having sex appeal, about how sometimes we get all thirsty… That’s how it’s starts and we can fix issues. We can have women who love being women and in turn know to love. Women who don’t have to swim in shirts and leggings cause they are ashamed of showing of their curves. Let’s be the type of women who can have a sex talk with a boyfriend or husband or girlfriend or wife without sounding like five year olds.

I can’t wait to be sitting with my friends from both genders and comfortably talk about sexual stuff.  It shouldn’t just be boy talk. I mean they’re talking about us why can’t we chip in why can’t we talk about them too. This way we fix so many issues.

your sexuality is like a crown a piece of you that should be a cause of pride and not shame. Anyone or anything that tries to hide that crown or belittle it has to be shut down.’  Jerry Kariuki

….my ancestors must have been summoned by now to fix this disgrace. And oh they have turned in their graves.  (I’m just making fun of African mums not disrespect intended. I love my mom in all her dramatic nature).

#girl54

#diaryof1000girls.

Ticking time bomb

I dont own rights to this photo

He held her face,firmly yet so gentle, passionately that she could feel the intensity…That rising peaceful tension that bridged them together. She toyed with the curls on his head as she always did. She knew he loved her touch…His body constantly craved for more.

In that silence with herself so vulnerability to him so exposed, a little tipsy and now in only lingerie she sat on his laps. He didn’t resist her.instead he adjusted himself to make her comfortable.she  loved the freedom in the recklessness she was slowly growing into. Her tongue traced his neck. She knew him well enough to predict what spot the switch would be and she definitely had the skills to turn it on…She wanted this,wanted him . She knew his love for her was real….

************

He felt every sensation in him hightened. In that moment all there was to the story the two of them. He was eager to respond to her touch. How she played with his hair,how she manouvered his body like an art critic ready to judge the authenticity of a piece. In that moment he cupped her face he would kiss her. He would give her the world without leaving that room…

Queens are girls who got power

************* I’m sorry it’s been this hard. You’re safe here but this isn’t what you need.’

His words sent confusion to them both. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t taken the chance. She couldn’t believe it either. But he was right she didn’t need a quickie to be her emergency response. She needed a solution for the explosive about to detonate inside her. Empty bathrooms were no longer enough. Crying herself to sleep wasn’t working anymore. She was in code black and had no idea what to do. That was how she found herself in this situation. Vulnerable before someone, ready to expose her reality.

‘What do I need? Can you give me that?’

‘You see  love you’re overwhelmed,you need a vent but you’re also a queen. That status doesn’t allow you the luxury of feeling.You’ve had the world on your shoulders but make it look like you’re using the world as a stepping stool. But I see you and I know you.You know what you need and I’m going to give it to you’re

His words were just right. She collapsed on his chest and finally exploded. Sobbing and punching him.she let out all the frustration she had kept in for so long. All her life she knew the only way to survive was to put up a firm front. He was teaching her to let go. In his arms as she cried her demons out as she walked out fear she knew she loved him.

He would let her crash then afterwards help her build an empire. He understood that being an iron lady wasn’t an easy task. She loved him for the fact that she could let go of her fortress when with him.

‘ it’s okay…Sometimes you need to be just a girl and I just a boy and nothing else matters.’

This is for all you strong women who sometimes carry weights too heavy for you. It’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to be not okay. You do you,keep up with the fight,face the world with your game face on and if it feels too hard it’s okay to let it out. It’s time somebody took care of you.

#girl53

#diary of 1000 girls

Bright light

Look into the light

They say you can feel it, that your senses get heightened at that moment; every sound is pounder,colours are more contrasted and there’s even more lustre in stones. For those who are into fan fiction you get it more.It’s basically alot like the transition process into being a vampire.

She was at that point. If this was were a fantasy she was about to join the mystical crowd of the undead….But it wasn’t. Reality was that this transition was to something else.  She had a new thirst for life, she wanted to be reckless, impulsive and even dangerous. She was turning into a person she didn’t know. Of all the surprising things what was most prominent was her feelings. Now more than ever she felt things from the deep end. Anger was rage,attraction was fanaticism, and love… Love had found a way to mix with passion and she felt like she was a balloon that couldn’t take more in. 

What she hated from this process was how forced to hide it. At a time where she knew she needed to let it all outher natural reflex was to put up a front. Queens never show weakness even when they are going through the greatest amount of pain.

She sat at the back of the lecture hall,her hands under the desk. The trembling and numbness were back. In such a short period everything had taken a turn for the worst. She had tried being strong once, not taking the pain medication for a day.Her attempts had almost broken her. Unlike  most people she’d spent most of her teen years seeing different doctors she could almost make a directory of them by now.

Finally,not being able to hold it in anymore she got up and left class. She was weak and abit high from all the drugs. The side effect of trying to keep it together. She held back her tears nobody could ever know she felt broken. Nobody needed to know that she had started feeling how people feel just before they walk into that light. She hated that she had nobody to share what she felt with. That soon she would be gone and would have never experienced half the things this world had in store for her.

‘Not just yet’she whispered to the light she saw when she closed her eyes,’I need a bit more time’ she pleaded.That side seemed so much better it would mean no more pain,it would mean peace,freedom yet she longed for another more time in this world.  She wasn’t ready to leave on her early twenties. Wasn’t ready to leave before feeling true love, achieving a few dreams.she wasn’t ready to break her father’s heart. She wasn’t ready to believe that she was just a pawn for someone’s queen.

Ironically, she was also ready to go. She had seen it, seen that better future with zero pain. She had seen that place where here her mother didn’t resent the fact that she had made her broke. In a small bathroom stall she wrote her bucket list. She knew her time was near but she was going to leave with one hell of a parade. She would be a legend and nobody would ever remember her for weakness or pain. She would be associated with love, courage,joy ambition and all the things she had shown in the front she put up.Her only regret would be in not finding that converted ‘love of your life’s. Everything else she had done her best. She could see herself slowly get drawn to the bright light,the aurora of it all and she was ready.

The fact is that so many young people are burdened with illnesses and conditions that take so much from them. They are weighted with such heavy burdens while so young. After a while they get tired or maybe their fight just isn’t good enough and they loose. This piece is dedicated to all young people with different medical conditions. The kids burdened with so much that at some point they stop being teeenagers,or kids or young adults and are forced to save those they love from the ugliness of it all. You are never alone, your fight is worth it and your strength is enviable.

To those who have lost loved ones after years of pain. You can trust that they were heroes in their own way. We don’t know why some of this things happen but they are royalty in their courage, strength and ambition.

#Girl52

#diaryof1000girls.