Before I meet you

From what he had told me about her I felt as though I knew who she was. He had given me a very graphic description of who she was. Exploring her soul with vivid words to the point I found myself desperate to meet her. To set my eyes upon this magical creature and get the light that she was spilling out.At first, I had assumed he was trying to get me jealous. That it was the testosterone pushing him to make a point. To make the world aware of his achievements. I was sure he was trying to make me realize how much I was missing in life, reminding me that I didn’t have such adoration in my life. Making me question all the affection I had ever felt.My understanding of the situation gave him every right to brag and be egocentric about the situation.

 

I, however, was far from the truth. His constant ramblings about her were not to show off what he had. He wasn’t even aware of his growing worship of her. He was intrigued by her in every way possible. She had become to him what religion is to some people. He worshipped her and was ready to give offer himself as a sacrifice on her glorious altar. He had become a fanatic and would give his life for hers any day. I only wondered how he must have felt. What did loving someone wholeheartedly feel like? How did it feel to be sure the empty spaces in one’s soul have been filled out?

She was obviously the luckiest girl in the world.She would probably assume that she was a gift to him and clearly he thought the same exact thing. They were both wrong as he was the gift. He was the gift. The gift that precedes the receiver. She was lucky to get a gift that had been carefully crafted to her advantage. Of course, this reality wouldn’t sink to her mind immediately. It would take her some time, maybe even years before she could be humble enough to see that heaven had smiled upon her. He, on the other hand, would forever love her in the same way he did maybe even more. He would probably never realize he was the gift and subconsciously he shall be the gift that keeps on giving. The best part is that he would love her to infinity with the humility of a pardoned criminal.

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Claus Mikaelson & Hope Mikaelson from CW tv show The Originals

I watched him pick out clothes that he liked from the racks and pile them up on a table ready to foot the bills and a somewhat morbid thought came to mind. What if she didn’t show up as planned? what if she became someone else? What would he do next? I knew the answer to the first question. If she happened not to show up he would be a broken man. The type of damage that takes years to fix if it even takes place.He would lose himself in the waking of her death. The second scenario was a bit more complex but he offered me an answer I had not seem coming.

There’s what I expect to get but if things change I’ll just have to paint the room a different colour. I am not excited about having a daughter. I am excited about being a dad. I want my daughter to grow up with the right type of love from a man. That no one would ever try to give her the wrong impression of love. If I get a son then I shall make sure my boy grows up to be the man I wish I had learned about earlier.

I was jealous of the human that would be born into this mans world. He was the realization of what so many people wish they had for a dad. The type of father that is ever-present. The type of father that daughters love and that give women hope to believe in more. The type of man who wasn’t ready to be defined by the stereotypes of the universe. That little girl would be born into a cruel word but have the strongest weapon to face it. She would probably adore him up until she is a teenager when his love for her will be the cause of her worries. When he would become overprotective about her.She would find herself running back into his arms after crossing paths with a few not so great humans and he would love her still. That was the narrative he was preparing for. The type of life that many women only have in their minds.

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Copyright © 2016, bitLanders.

When a young unmarried girl gets pregnant it is assumed by many that the man will disappear. This has become the story that makes sense. Spreading the knowledge that young men will run from their responsibility and those that stay will become absentee dads. The idea that men have slowly turned into poor dads has been one of the most significant ideologies of this century with a very high percentage of millennial having major daddy issues. One of the causes of unmarried women is growing up with dads that are absent or have technical appearances. We are the generation that was raised by women who had to be both dads and moms. This is not to say that we don’t have good men.

On the contrary, the fact that many millennials have been raised by women has resulted in the growth of a generation of men who are emotionally sensitized, men who can’t wait to be dads. Men who will do anything to keep the women in their lives. This is the narrative of the millennials. Where daughters come into this world armed with the gift of a loving, present, supportive and dedicated fathers. I don’t mean to say that being a dad is easy it isn’t. It requires hard work and dedication and being ready to make a mess. Being a dad means being ready to be adored by that little, being ready for her to be a teenager who you’ll disagree with, is ready to ensure she does not give up on men, being ready to protect her and eventually being ready to let her walk this earth on her own. Trusting that she will be fine and that one day she can have a man, woman, and children who you can love too. It means raising a son in love and mentorship and friendship so that he grows up to be the type of man who can love and be loved, who can find a man or woman and build a life and believe he too can be a good dad if he wants to.

It is also the responsibility of women to ensure that this type of man does not go extinct.We must empower our friends and brothers to be better. We cant go around expecting them to know better yet we keep spreading the gospel of ‘men are Trash’. We need to embrace the individuality of every man treats each man without bias. Eventually, we shall have the type of world we crave for. Before you interact with someone new clear out your mind from all biased thoughts and you’ll be surprised at how similar we all are in our difference.

#girl67

#diaryof1000girls

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A  second passed, then two, then a minute… She was sure she was dead for a split second. That she had reached the other side but was pulled back into the cruel earth.She struggled to open her eyes. All she wanted was a glimpse of the world. She wanted to look at her body to confirm she still had it. She wanted to look at her limbs and confirm their connection to her frail body. She needed visual confirmation since she couldn’t feel her legs hands and to some extent, she wasn’t even sure if her soul was alive. The ringing in her ear had finally ceased and her terrified whimpers of pain were soaked in the thick unpleasant tension that had poisoned the air.

She could feel tears form at the back of her eyes, they burned like acid as she went against her will by not letting them out. The weight of her heavy soul, like glue, stuck her body to the cold tiled floor. In that moment she realized that she was probably bleeding.The floor no longer felt cold and distant. She felt as if there was something pulling her to the ground. I type of pull that was worth the fear she had in her.The loud voice had turned into a distant whisper that was constantly nagging her subconscious mind. This must be what it felt like to have an untimely death. To die before the universe has prepared the welcome wagon to the other side.The twos and fours vision she was having was not because of the blood dripping down from her left brow. It was because her soul no longer existed on the same frequency level as her body.

Stefan Beutler

Photo Credits: Stefan Beutler

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The abyss had rejected her. She wished it hadn’t, that she had died so that she did not have to live another moment in this undignified state.In that moment she realized there were only two options left. She could stay down and wait to wake up in an emergency room with him explaining what accident happened in the house.He always came up with the most compelling tales of misfortune. Her second option was to get out of the situation immediately; to leave with the few things she could gather at a moments notice hoping her pride, dignity, and self-worth would be in that package. The latter was her course of action. She gathered all her strength and stood up. He was way too shocked that she had stood up in the first place that he shut up and just stared.

In that moment roles had switched he was the one with shock spelled out on his forehead. He was in the presence of a stranger. This was not the same person who was under his rule a minute ago. He was in the presence of a god. A goddess of war, a warrior, a queen that had realized her power. More than that he saw the woman he loved, the girl who had been his best friend.He wanted to apologize beg her on his knees that she spares him her wrath. He wanted to sacrifice everything he had for her forgiveness but his shame was too strong.He just stood there looking at her soulful eyes waiting for his sentence, ready to pay the price.

This was one of those moments she had discussed while growing up. The ‘what would you do if your man hit you’ scenarios. Never in a million lifetimes had she imagined it being actualized in her life. She thought back to her mom who had gone through years of strength. She had stayed with the man that gave color to her life. The reds and yellows when he loved her passionately and when he hit her she had her share of black and blues. Nonetheless, she had stayed for she loved the man and she loved her children more. Her mom had told her that she had made all the compromise so that she wouldn’t have to. 

“I love you I always will. I also forgive you. It is for this reasons too that I’m leaving you.”

As soon as those words had left her lips she knew she had done what was right for herself and by him. She looked into his eyes one more time before leaving and was sure that his soul had been terrified. She had broken him in less than a minute and knew he would never lay a violent finger on any other woman.She considered staying a second longer to hear his ego-free apology. To stay for one more second and feel the foundation of his brutal ego crumble into pure humility and remorse, but she thought about it and changed her mind. She wanted him to feel as powerless as he had made her feel. He was to have a front seat at not understanding how it felt to be treated like a powerless human.She wanted him to realize she had control over her life.He would take time to realize that her putting up with him was a show of strength and he was a fool for mistaking it for weakness. That was why she didn’t stay that extra second. She was making it known to him that she was powerful. She took the power without consent as he had taken hers once before.

Low sun by Stefan Beutler

Photo Credit: Stefan Beutler

Girls grow up dreading this moment. The moment when the man they will fall in love with will one day does the unthinkable. Everyone has an opinion on what should happen once this unfortunate event transpires. I have come to learn that we are often too quick to judge what other women do, we have created a what’s  the right way: what’s the wrong way to react ‘handbook’. There is no such thing. The only thing that is clear is that domestic violence is not right whether from a man or from a woman. This is a pivot point situation with so many directions one could possibly take. The path after a physical or emotional assault is simply blurred and blue. There is no right answer and no way one heals immediately after. We need to get to a point where we give the required support to those affected without judging them but instead understanding them.

 

Those who stay we understand you. Women have stayed with their men for so many reasons including love and you are strong for doing that. you are heroes in your own right. You who take sacrifices are a true inspiration. There is nothing weak about you and you are looked up to by women. There are the women who leave, file lawsuits, fight back and give sanctions.You are strong and victorious too. There is no right way of healing and fighting for your dignity. As long as you are doing it you’re on the right path. find your own direction take charge of your future. Of course, all humans in this world need to realize that there is no room for violence. It is not tolerated and that will never happen. This is evident in the fact that different countries have laws prohibiting domestic violence. Communication will always be more effective than that violence.

#girl66

#Diaryof1000gilrs

PHILOSOPHY OF LOVE

What is this world we live in? A world where people get convictions that their beliefs are enough to make them superior to others. A world where we are driven by such faithless faith. Using religion as a weapon; Amour to fight those who are different from us and a shield to keep us safe from the realities of life. Living lies where the world feels smaller through closed eyes. When did we decide to get so deceived that religion has become a means of segregation? Why would anyone think they are superior because of beliefs they picked up from someone else. Judging people for the same reasons we are supposed to love them for. Where did the philosophy of love get lost in translation? How did it get to a point where people go to church to find God but leave with the vices of greed, self-righteousness and the ability to judge others. How did we get to a point where we can confidently claim other peoples’ religious needs are not a priority?

I’ve been asked what religion I subscribe to and it pains me that I had to take a minute. A minute to think about whether or not I want to be identified by my beliefs. Whether I was genuinely being asked about what I believe in or if it was a question used to trap me into a series of judgment.I’m curious whether the idea of faith will be misinterpreted to attack me.Faith that was meant to unite people but has been one of the greatest forms of hate.Do people even truly believe in the beliefs have weaponized? I would much rather have a sinner who embraces his vice than that saint who doesn’t know why they pray. That is what is destroying us slowly. I don’t mean we should shun all religion. Humanity needs to believe in something bigger than us; a higher purpose. It is a void in our psychology that we are desperate to fill. All I plead from us is that we take time to have personal convictions of the faith we practice. Belief in something from a personal point of view and not because it is an identity that you were born into.

We should take time to think for a moment that everyone has a right to their own beliefs and self-righteousness is an ugly vice. Stop and think before you judge other people for who they are and what they do. Would you still have your faith if those that gave it to you had not enforced it into your mind? Religion was never meant to harbour hate. It wasn’t meant to disconnect us from our environment and bring discomfort. Religion should be the source of a sense of belonging. It should connect us to the world and the people we live with. I find such beauty in all the different beliefs we have. That we can be living in the same world but find such different meanings in what the world offers. It is a beauty that we are exposed to; the beauty of humanity and the universe. Embracing diversity makes life worthwhile. I realize that maybe we are all right the theist of us and those who are atheists. It is possible that we all just have a different interpretation of what the world is and our purpose in it. If this makes me an outcast then I am happy to be one. I happy to stand out from the crowds that point fingers and accuse others of believing wrong. I shall gladly live my life believing that love is the one true philosophy. The philosophy that embraces us all, that accepts us all and provides for all.

So when you ask me what I stand for, what I believe in: I shall reply with one world. LOVE. This is the religion that I subscribe to. This is what I will fight for. This is what I devote my life to and what I would pledge my life to. Love that is pure and has not been tainted by judgement and wrongdoings the philosophy that has been proven right over and over through the tests of time.

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#GIRL 65

#Diaryof1000gilrs.

What is progress?

‘I’m not young enough to know everything’.  Oscar Wilde

She tried to understand how she had gotten to the point where this specific quote was her philosophy. She often had to read and re-read quotes before she could feel that connection but this  was quite the opposite as a quote, which she’d seen only once, had come up to her mind and stood out as the philosophy of her life.It had come up and turned into the fuel that fed her soul. It was the guiding path of her actions and thoughts.

She was arranging stuff for her new house. Moving out had been one of her new life resolution but she hadn’t really settled. This was her fifth attempt at finding a house that would feel like home.She got to a box full of cups and as she carefully unpacked the previously systematic setup she picked up a memory. The memory was stunningly fragile. It had a deep beauty it was almost ugly. It was so light yet held such heavy content. A simple,blue mug with two stars on it. A mug that she considered a memory. The type of memory that can change a person.A mug that had changed the direction of her world.

She must have been seventeen when she got that mug . It wasn’t an intentional gift but more of a souvenir given after minutes  of tolerating  a drunk girl’s nagging. She was at a point when her blood was flowing through liquor. Her tongue had been made slippery by the smooth whisky and a cool night breeze.She saw the mug and in that moment fell in love with it and pleaded with the waitress to give it to her. Her friends had laughed and enjoyed the moment.She had always been more than the life of the party as she was actually the party itself. The girl who never turned down life.Her friends pretty much adored and hated her at the same time . All friends who she had lost contact with over the years.

She tried recalling that girl and was amazed by how little she could recall. She’d left that girl behind after a carefully critiqued plan. That girl was prone to hurt,malice and disappointment.That girl was always getting into a messy situation.She was careless about life and had a way of putting herself out there. She didn’t want any of that and her solution had been to get rid of that girl and become the person she was now. A girl who was strong, bold, wise and everything else she thought the old her lacked.She had looked at her reflection and made a point to leave that messed up girl inside while she made progress.

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model: faith Chunza

Still stuck in that memory, a laugh left her soul. That little chuckle raised an unpleasant curiosity in her. What was there to be happy about in that long forgotten girl. The last time she had though of that girl she couldn’t even trace a positive gesture about her.She had to push herself to know more. To affirm to herself that she had not made a mistake.Reality proved her to be wrong. She could remember having fun. Being genuinely happy in that moment when she got that mug. It brought in a thought she didn’t expect.The probability that she had given up a lot when she made that change.That maybe the reason she was alone dated its roots to that moment.

Maybe that girl had merits. She questioned herself. This version of her wasn’t daring,she was cynical, she was scared of life. This version of her could have seemed more put together but she was even more messed up. She wasn’t truly living life. She had settled for safe. She had settled for not being hurt instead of trying to find happiness.She had settled for less and her soul was starting to complain.Her soul was tired of being trapped in a body that lacked passion. The silent screams of a soul that needed adventure and love were starting to show in her seemingly perfect body. She was keeping it together for the world but raging wars on the girl she had left behind a mirror. The flame that once dwelt in her soul had been reduced to a mere spark. Logic dictated a simple solution but her heart was scared. She had a choice to make one that would either re-kindle her flame or put out that spark.

IMG_5365The fact is many people go through this process. Choosing to shut out a part of who we are;becoming a new person in order to get rid of the weakness. In this process we end up giving up even the positive things. We slowly adapt the mentality that we know everything we need to know about life. We assume that we learnt life’s lesson and made the right choice. The sad reality is that only arrogant people think they’ve figured life out.It is even worse if this thesis is the brain child of  thinking that they the found solutions to all their problems. This is a stereotypical character of young people.A mentality that will only break you with time and prevent progress. We want to be different so why can’t we embrace the mystery of life. The fact that we have to be ready to constantly fail in the learning process. There’s always something’s positive in that ‘failure’ version of you. Change is good but we shouldn’t delete our old selves but instead do some necessary editing. Learning and growth require taking a risk.Its time to seek answers beyond the reflection.To make progress by going back way back to the core of who we are.In simple terms ask yourself this…would you rather risk it all for the potential of greatness or would you rather settle for less that average…

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#girl64

#diaryof1000girls

Invisible wall.

There she was young and vibrant with the excitement that comes with the need to learn. She’s exploring the world and loving every moment of it. She was in a new world and she had convinced herself she was ready for it.

She waltzed into the school complex early and from the moment she walked through that entry door a new reality hit her. her confidence in her resolve was slowly growing out. Life was being more obvious. She was in a fish out of water situation. Foreign land means unfamiliarity, loneliness, instability and a whole lot of anxiety all things she hadn’t learnt to deal with appropriately. We have to appreciate our weaknesses. Only those that do this can find a way to manipulate their weakness so that they don’t affect them so much…anyway back to her day.

She zombied out through the day until it was finally over. All she wanted was a trace of familiarity something to keep her rooted to home other than the wristband she wore on her hand as a public declaration of her patriotism. Food is good for the soul and that was her solution a nice restaurant that would serve quisines from home. That would definitely fix up her soul.

There she was getting on a motorbike. It was the most common mode of transportation there. She asked the rider if he knew where she wanted to go and he nodded in agreement. Afterwards they agreed on payment and there she was. An hour later and she was still switching lanes going to a place she only knew by name.

Lo! and behold! The rider stops and a random drop of point and looks at her and starts speaking with a smile on his face. His words are foreign to her. She has no idea what he is saying. She responds to him and realises that he also has no idea what she’s saying. It’s time for a solution… Another rider is called in now this one knows the language bit has no idea where the destination is. Helper number three happened to be a traffic police officer. He spoke in her tongue with a strain but also didn’t know the directions. Person number four is called and finally the solution is found.

She got to her destination eventually although she was about half an hour late. The home food and the second part of her mixed feelings resurfaced. The conviction in her heart was strong.

She was in a new world… This meant new opportunities,a clean slate,it meant adventure and not anxiety, new social experiments not loneliness. In getting lost she had found herself. She had be graced with an opportunity to cause change and not be an effect of change. This was the secret to survival. So she finished her meal, walked out of the restaurant,and hailed for another rider. Once beaten twice shy wasn’t a theory she would accept.….part of that story is me. I got lost in Kigali, Rwanda while on a public motorbike (Moto). It took a village to get me help specifically two police officers, two riders and one kind sivilian .

There’s a very high chance the excitement of being in a new country may cloud you from any home sick feelings. First days could be epic or hectic. It’s all a random pick from a deck of cards.

The only way to survive is by knowing who you are. You need to challenge yourself to do more and be more. Being afraid is your greatest enemy. So explore…get lost and find your way. Take a detour instead of using your normal route,learn a new language. Create for yourself a Eutopia of good vibes, positivity and confidence. In a short while the wall shall collapse and you shall no longer be that fishy fish out of water.

Ofcourse give me ideas of how to adjust too. There’s always room for more learning and new adventures.

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to any of the photos.

#girl63

#diaryof1000girls.

Don’t say that B word

Every once in a while I’m graced with a life event worth sharing. Here is one. 

I’m seated in the most comfortable way I can.  I’ve been okay or atleast I thought I was okay.  I was actually just looking at the stars and trying to give definitive meanings to random things. I’m in a bus and this is the longest roadtrip ever. 

Let me put things into perspective here. About eight months ago I got accepted into an amazing university. It was a highlight of my life. To be more specific it was number two on the list of my favourite days ever.  The school happens to be in a different country from where I’ve  grown up, to the country I was born one, probably hectic, new year’s Eve ( I’m speaking from a woman in labour point of view)… That is how I found myself in an overnight trip to a whole different country.  From the moment I got on at 5pm up until 9:30pm I was okay then  after one last call everything changed.  Here I am about to tell you the top five reasons I’m going to miss being in Kenya. I’ve got an endless list but this will do for now…Yaaas I’m Kenyan as Kenyan as it gets.

I can’t get over the fact that patriotism runs through our veins. Our telephone code is upheld like a brand  that must be felt by the universe. Our flag and the national goals of peace love and unity are things you can trace in every single field of our lives.  We might have gone through a few low moments but there’s something magical about how we love each other.

Kenyans know how to have fun. What is low-key? We go all out whether it’s with turning up or it’s with memes. You can always count on a good laugh and a good time here.  Most recent is the Githeri-man affair. During such a tense period due to general elections shows up this Githeri-man and all his memes and his story and the tense atmosphere gets a break as we all unite to share the joy ,suprise and laughter. Plus we don’t ever just stop with only local memes we go all out with creative minds ohhh people in Hollywood should see what we do. And do I have to mention the way we filled up a stadium during the World Under 18 athletics…

Ohh my boy from coffee town. That’s my secret favourite human. The person who holds the spot of the highlight of my life.  I’ll probably have to write a whole separate post to explain him to you. The boy from ‘coffee town’ unknowingly changed my life forever. Leaving him has to be the greatest tragedy of my life. Don’t get me wrong this isn’t my boyfriend or anything like that. Currently he’s a friend.One who did to me what Dorian Gray did to Sybil – the picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde…  He deserves a greater honour than a mere feature and that’s why I shall say no more of him on this post.

Kenya is where I learnt to love. It is in this country that I have grown in love. Learning all that I know and slowly being moulded into the young woman I am. One who can love, love wisely, fight, heal and give love to others.  This is where my family,girlfriends,my boys,flings, crushes , situationships and all forms of relations I’ve ever had land.  It is in this beautiful country that I learnt to see beauty for what it is. My heart is what it is because of the people I’ve been surrounded by,those acquaintance and even the people I watched every now and then.

I am a fighter.  I have a feeling I was born this way based on all the stories I hear about my childhood.  Regardless of all that this nature was strengthened by being Kenyan. Because Kenyans make it no matter what cost. We are go getters. This is the country where a man trained himself into being an Olympian (Julius Yego). We fight for what we want. It is probably how I landed myself in the situation​ I’m in now. No dream is too being for true Kenyan soul. It is in the +254 that I found all the right support to get through having scoliosis at 13 and a major spinal surgery at 16. In this country that children from the most humble of backgrounds find their way into the best education institutions. Because in this country we fight and we support each other. We respect the struggle and the journey that we face

Leaving my home, my friends (however small my circle may be) , my family, my country is going to be one major adjustment.  I’m going to have to learn to live,love,laugh and learn from somewhere else.  I have to simply trust that even as life moves on I am not left behind in the changes. 

To all my epic Kenyan readers. Tuko pamoja kama jubilee (no offense intended to anyone)… I shall be always here constantly appreciating your feedback,views and support…. Hold up have I mentioned how much I shall miss  Kiswahili. Even the annoying. Xaxa and Thenx  language….cheeesos I cannot even.

Tutaonana baadaye… I’m not saying that B word. This isn’t the end we are just flipping a new chapter. I shall keep you informed, entertained and educated all through as it is my vow and purpose.

Sincerely,

Jerry L.M .Kariuki,

Author: Diaryof1000girls.

#girl62

#diaryof1000girls.

Cycle of responsibilities.

It’s five o’clock in the morning. That annoying alarm rings and pulls you out from your dream. Wait you weren’t dreaming you’d just shut your eyes afew hours ago. You were too tired to dream.

Oh well you have  your morning routine. Basically how you wake up,get ready and leave the house with a coffee mug  and apple before 6am so you can beat traffic and get behind that desk by eight. Hold up you’re still trying to impress your boss so you get to work by 7:30 am. (That ought to get you a promotion in a couple of years). You’ll also leave at six instead of five for this same reason. Get  stuck in that heavy traffic.

Finally you get to the house at 9pm. Just in time to sit with the family and watch prime time news. It’s ten pm  time to do the dishes. Ohh I forgot to mention- you haven’t moved out yet. You’re still living with your parents and house chores must be done. There’s house rules so you can’t drink one for the road or go out to blow of steam.

Around eleven you take a shower, chat up that human you’ve been trying to impress, scroll through the gram. Wait you forgot to have dinner and you just remembered you have a school project. So you do both simultaneously and just when you start feeling sleepy you have to do abit of work. Finally it’s 2am you black out halfway through that ‘I love you’ text that will not be received. You’ve got three hours to sleep cause that alarm will be ringing yet again in three hours.

You do this give or take days a week. On the six day you clean the house. As I said you haven’t moved out. You meet up with your gang and talk about how you’re going to be someone great.

‘this is just for now. In a few years I’ll be doing something I love. We are gonna make it and hit up vacations like bosses,’ 

That’s the lie you feed yourselves though a huge part of you is scared the only place you’ll live the dream is when you’re asleep.

This is the life many young people are living now. Ofcourse you’ll try defend your lifestyle by trying to find how different your life is. The truth is that a majority of us are living like this. Living a lie with a false purpose. Making money to pay the bills can’t be your purpose.

There’s those struggling to do courses that their parents put them on. You wanna make them proud and that has become the veil to your true purpose. So you waste your time in your cowardice and eventually loose that passion and wind up being alive and not truly living.

We have those of us stuck doing jobs cause we have bills to pay. A lifestyle to maintain. An emptiness we are trying to fill out.  The truth is if an office job and a degree were all it took to be successful and happy then the entertainment and art industry would be a myth. We wouldn’t have children making a living from innate talent. 

I don’t want us all to be entertainers. But we should all be dream chasers. Let your purpose be your primary priority and all those bills will pay themselves. Don’t drop out of school cause apparently school isn’t as important anymore. If you know what you’re doing in that campus and have a passion for it you’ll find the importance of a good education or the drive to go through that boring lecture.

We are a generation that grew up swearing not to be like our parents. Making claims to change the world. We vowed to chase our dreams when we were twelve. Then we hit our late teens and suddenly we are chasing to give our children a better future. We are doing exactly what we swore we wouldn’t.

Honestly most millennials have parents who already made that sacrifice. We are the children who’s futures were being given a pathway for.  We are the generation that has opportunities to shape the course of the future.

You don’t need to conform to the world as you wait for the time to be right. The only way to get that independence we want,those lives we live with our eyes closed is by following our hearts. 

We all have a purpose as to why we exist. These different purposes should guide us into different paths and some put us in the same paths.  If you can’t chase after your true purpose then you are a coward and a fool too. 

I know for sure I shall chase after my purpose. Im sure at some point I might trip,fall or even get lost but no way am I going to conform to this cycle of responsibilities lifestyle. I shall make the sacrifice of those who came before me have value. I’ll also make a point surround myself with such people. I’m not going to change just to get a job. My personality is who I am and I’m not going to mask it to impress a panel. 

So before you sign up for that course,apply to that school, take up that gig, go to that interview,write that essay ask yourself.  It’s Do I want to live? Or am I okay with just not dying? Am I okay with  having a substandard life to fullfil recruitments set by other people?

#girl61

#diaryof1000girls.

PHAKADE

 
I’m living with a child. I want to choke him with a pair of those dirty socks he left next to the laundry bin.AGAIN!’ one lady said as she made a gesture to show how angry she was.

They laughed at it for a while and a few more shared their frustrations. It’s what they did when one of them was having a hard time. They met up wine and dine mainly focussing on the wine part. Solutions would come following alot of venting and rants.

‘can you believe he calls me dramatic. I’m not dramatic I mean I’m just very expressive that’s all’

 the drama queen in the group said. Although they all knew she was dramatic they agreed with her. The time to tell her the truth would come later. This time was for venting.

He’s still in denial that he snores. Then there’s the annoying way he  gets when he wins anything. Have I mentioned he can argue about everything... honestly he is the best deal I could ever get.’

Those words left her lips before they’d crossed her mind. She was actually shocked at how easily they had slid off​ her tongue. Was there any regret? As soon as those words had formed she knew they were a reflection of the truth. After alot of ‘tea spilling’ with her girlfriends she found herself on a trip down memory lane.

He was the most annoying person she could think of. He had a wild and untamed ego and was probably the cheesiest man on the planet. There was also  the foolish things he did ,one of which had resulted in her being a mom to triplets. He knew how to tick her of.

Life has a way of playing tricks on people. He could be nightmare but he was also her sweetest dream. The biggest mistake he’d ever made  nine months later (when she miraculously delivered three beautiful babies) turned out be the best gift to her. She had fallen in love with him because of how  strongly he could stand for what he believed in. She loved how passionate he could get in an argument even when he was wrong. How he would have twice that passion when loving her behind closed doors.He has a keen eye and could point out even the slightest mistakes and she loved him more because he didn’t point out her  obvious flaws. 

There’s no way she could get over the fact that he felt like her fourth child. Lord knows she wanted to gag his mouth with his dirty socks each time she picked them up ( and no! She didn’t mean in that 50 shades of grey  kind of way) .  With all those flaws he was the best father and husband.

 He loved his family and devoted his life to them. The truth is some of  flaws (spending issues, the daredevil nature, how freaky he could get) they were the source of her joy,love, happiness,adventure and they fueled her soul. That’s why she meant it when she said he was the best deal she could get. It was also why she had gotten to a point where she didn’t judge other people’s partners.

Love has a way of changing one’s mind and heart. It has the power to change one’s view of life. It can make something 2D get afew more dimensions. There’s a theory that the people you love most are the ones you complain about the most. That the people who complain most about you love you the most. They find themselves missing those flaws when you’re gone. 

Moms,dads, siblings, boyfriends, girlfriends,pets. You often find yourself complaining about them: she’s too loud,he doesn’t get jokes,they  joke too much, he’s such a nerd, she’s too reserved,it won’t stop playing. When you sit down and think back, or you are away from all this things it’s when you realise that you miss them too. That when it’s true love it’s the good,bad and the ugly.

She had a list of a million things she didn’t like,others that she feared about him and the unfortunate facts that made her sad. Yet ,she loved him. He was her forever. The man who could make her face burn up like an infatuated twelve year old.

The only way to have a forever with someone is bylearning to treasure the little moments. Knowing there will be days all you’ll want is to dance to partition and nights you’ll watch them fall asleep on you. It is understanding that on some days you  will want to throw something heavy at them and accepting that there will be times you will need some ‘time out’ to figure things out.It’s a good thing forever is a long time…

#girl60

#diaryof1000girls.

Kiss and Tale

 Can I do this…

Allow myself to feel,let my feelings lead

Trust that it’s okay for you to  please

 me with what I only hope is truth or atleast acceptable lies that won’t burn my soul

let you fill the emptiness in missing pieces on a broken vessel poorly glued.

My skin remembers the feeling but doesn’t recognise this hands

Can I do this… Unlearn his print and embrace yours. 

That is the loud outcry I was silently yelling. Seated across from him I can tell he’s nervous.He’s looking at me like I’m the best thing that happened to him. I know he actually believes that.There’s a theory about how to tell where a man’s heart lies. If he spends the most important resources on you then he’s down for you.

This man requesting to see the wine menu- he’s down for me.I care about the fancy restaurants and the lush life but I’m not with him cause of that. I’m with him because he gives me what he treasures most -his time.

I can’t do this…

Love him back when I question if he’s the answer to the blank spaces in my soul.

But I have to

Start myself on a rescue mission

He is happy :satisfied by the thought that

This smile,the look in my eyes, the lack of speech ,the tears

because of him

He is wrong- maybe part of the tears 

The guilty part

The rest belongs to another

A previous love

One that spoke the language of my soul.

 

As he speaks I slowly drift away. He’s good but he doesn’t have what I want. Then I remember his face. Lord knows I had fallen for those eyes. Not the man I’m with but the one that never was. 


His eyes had a glow. They were drenched in wanderlust. He got me to explore so much by just looking into his eyes. Then there was his touch. I can’t forget how he once held my waist from behind. The sensation was strong .I felt paralysed and for a moment my world was of two souls. I want to feel that again. I crave for his voice in my ears, raising the dead parts of my soul with his vibrations. I want his arguments,his laugh,his long days and his sweat on a hot day. The scent he oozes that drives me into a trance. That’s what I want but I can’t seem to get that. I can’t replace him partky because I don’t want to.

Let’s do this

Be the tale that I can’t tell

With your lips

Remind me how he tasted

That it was extraterrestrial

A concoction of moondust and drops of sunshine

The perfect temporary forever.

This first love cannot be forgotten yet it can’t be my last

He is why I can’t love you 

He is why I will love you

 By  now he is done pouring out his soul and it’s my turn to speak. He has no idea the war I’ve been fighting all this while. I won’t tell him that his proclamation of love was a distant echo. I know what to do now I’ll work with what I have. 

‘I love you too,’ I say the words trusting that one day I’ll actually mean them…

#girl59

#diaryof1000girls

Are you okay with this?

She had  heard it all .Different versions of what should and what shouldn’t be done. The people who unknowingly condemned her and those who shamed her. She had done it all cried herself to sleep, stayed awake for weeks, eaten her feelings, starved herself. She had punished herself way more than anyone could. She just needed a way to deal with that loss…a way to cope.It’s a whole different kind of loss when what you loose is yourself. Whether it’s complete loss or a part of you it’s a type of pain that can’t be explained. She felt empty and so many years down the line she could still remember every second of the worst days in her life. She found herself re-living those moments and going through the pain, shame,fear,anger,hate,guilt and loneliness over and over again. What was done could not be undone and it changed her forever.

The faces of those who took what she valued most were vivid in her mind. Some were strangers others unfortunately people she knew. She never told anyone (again) after the person she confided in had quickly found way into the list of people assaulting her. In all her struggles she was happy that people spoke more about rape and all forms of sexual assaults. However it was devastating how quickly the victim could become the villian.

There’s a rising number of women between sixteen and and twenty four being sexually violated. A rising number of girls who think making love and not simply being (pardon my language) fucked only exists in movies. A rising number of young women who miss out on love because their idea of love has been corrupted. Women who are so scared,bitter,angry,empty,sad, weak and lost. Women whose identity is lost.

What were you wearing? Did you say no?Are you sexually active? Do you have more than one sexual partner? Were you sober? Did you moan? Did you fight back? We’re you a virgin?Did you go to his house willingly?.….. Isn’t it obvious we are asking the wrong questions? That we are sending out out the wrong messsage. That instead of teaching young men to respect and love women we are teaching young women to be scared and that they should be cautious around men. Instead of teaching on asking for consent we basically say that a man has no control over his sexual urges (which is a lie).

It’s clear that what counts as consent is unclear to many. That so many young people have no idea what their rights are to a point that some discover they’ve been abused years after the abuse.  The lack of proper sex education leading young hmen and women to commiting sexual offences without knowledge. It’s time we teach our young men to pause and ask for consent. To teach them that sometimes the girl is too shocked or maybe too drunk to say no and taking a moment to see her body language can make all the difference. Time to teach women that they have a right to say no ,that they have every right to find pleasure in sex,that men too have control in the same way that they too can get all hot and bothered.

 I want  a world where my son will have a drunk girl in his bed yet not lay a finger on her inappropriately. A world where I can understand that my man ain’t up for things going down and I’ll respect that. A world where a girl with a bad reputation is dignified with the question ‘is this okay’

There is so much information now about sexual assault how to stop it,how to prevent it and how to deal with  survivors. TV.shows such as 13reasons why, broken vows, The Quad,make it or break it and more highlighting these issues. Books articles,art and even music on this topic. Ignorance shouldn’t be a plea anymore.we all have power to make a difference it’s  as simple as this: YOUR MOVE

#girl58

#diaryof1000girls