‘I’m not young enough to know everything’. Oscar Wilde
She tried to understand how she had gotten to the point where this specific quote was her philosophy. She often had to read and re-read quotes before she could feel that connection but this was quite the opposite as a quote, which she’d seen only once, had come up to her mind and stood out as the philosophy of her life.It had come up and turned into the fuel that fed her soul. It was the guiding path of her actions and thoughts.
She was arranging stuff for her new house. Moving out had been one of her new life resolution but she hadn’t really settled. This was her fifth attempt at finding a house that would feel like home.She got to a box full of cups and as she carefully unpacked the previously systematic setup she picked up a memory. The memory was stunningly fragile. It had a deep beauty it was almost ugly. It was so light yet held such heavy content. A simple,blue mug with two stars on it. A mug that she considered a memory. The type of memory that can change a person.A mug that had changed the direction of her world.
She must have been seventeen when she got that mug . It wasn’t an intentional gift but more of a souvenir given after minutes of tolerating a drunk girl’s nagging. She was at a point when her blood was flowing through liquor. Her tongue had been made slippery by the smooth whisky and a cool night breeze.She saw the mug and in that moment fell in love with it and pleaded with the waitress to give it to her. Her friends had laughed and enjoyed the moment.She had always been more than the life of the party as she was actually the party itself. The girl who never turned down life.Her friends pretty much adored and hated her at the same time . All friends who she had lost contact with over the years.
She tried recalling that girl and was amazed by how little she could recall. She’d left that girl behind after a carefully critiqued plan. That girl was prone to hurt,malice and disappointment.That girl was always getting into a messy situation.She was careless about life and had a way of putting herself out there. She didn’t want any of that and her solution had been to get rid of that girl and become the person she was now. A girl who was strong, bold, wise and everything else she thought the old her lacked.She had looked at her reflection and made a point to leave that messed up girl inside while she made progress.
Still stuck in that memory, a laugh left her soul. That little chuckle raised an unpleasant curiosity in her. What was there to be happy about in that long forgotten girl. The last time she had though of that girl she couldn’t even trace a positive gesture about her.She had to push herself to know more. To affirm to herself that she had not made a mistake.Reality proved her to be wrong. She could remember having fun. Being genuinely happy in that moment when she got that mug. It brought in a thought she didn’t expect.The probability that she had given up a lot when she made that change.That maybe the reason she was alone dated its roots to that moment.
Maybe that girl had merits. She questioned herself. This version of her wasn’t daring,she was cynical, she was scared of life. This version of her could have seemed more put together but she was even more messed up. She wasn’t truly living life. She had settled for safe. She had settled for not being hurt instead of trying to find happiness.She had settled for less and her soul was starting to complain.Her soul was tired of being trapped in a body that lacked passion. The silent screams of a soul that needed adventure and love were starting to show in her seemingly perfect body. She was keeping it together for the world but raging wars on the girl she had left behind a mirror. The flame that once dwelt in her soul had been reduced to a mere spark. Logic dictated a simple solution but her heart was scared. She had a choice to make one that would either re-kindle her flame or put out that spark.
The fact is many people go through this process. Choosing to shut out a part of who we are;becoming a new person in order to get rid of the weakness. In this process we end up giving up even the positive things. We slowly adapt the mentality that we know everything we need to know about life. We assume that we learnt life’s lesson and made the right choice. The sad reality is that only arrogant people think they’ve figured life out.It is even worse if this thesis is the brain child of thinking that they the found solutions to all their problems. This is a stereotypical character of young people.A mentality that will only break you with time and prevent progress. We want to be different so why can’t we embrace the mystery of life. The fact that we have to be ready to constantly fail in the learning process. There’s always something’s positive in that ‘failure’ version of you. Change is good but we shouldn’t delete our old selves but instead do some necessary editing. Learning and growth require taking a risk.Its time to seek answers beyond the reflection.To make progress by going back way back to the core of who we are.In simple terms ask yourself this…would you rather risk it all for the potential of greatness or would you rather settle for less that average…