We’ve been through this before

   “Not again…..but why…..you do realise we’ve through this before. Too many times” I’m so sure thats what he was about to say when I knelt next to my bed waiting earnestly for a reply

        I  know I asked for a second chance. I also know screwed it up.  Ive been asking for one more and more and one more…. It would be much simpler if I just gave up once and for all. Saves me alot of the  guilt.
  Well I honestly dont want it simpler I want it better and that only works if im with you.  When you keep taking me back keep loving me keep caring for me more than I care about myself. Nobody knows this but everytime you have me back I become better I get my soul back.
     Some bondages im stuck in so deep that I need more than one pull to fully come out… Maybe I lived in the dark too long that I got more comfortable with the darkness than with light. The truth is I want to be different be worthyour love be worth all you offer. tet I keep going back going back to that place the place filled with anxiety fear horrors uncertainty and all forms of psychological torture.
     The latest was the worst I mean id come so far almost six months clean then in less than ten minutes I tainted it all…. bllured it so bad that I cant even see all those great six months.
  I remember every moment of those minutes. How I tried resisting every nerve ending on me. Resting the thirst the hunger a craving so deeply rooted in my system. Then I remember giving in letting the feeling get the better part of me. After that I almost felt high as I used to I almost loved it almost wanted to keep at it then the pain came in the regret the tears the depression it clouded me taking another bit of my soul.
     Then I was alone before a mirror just staring at yet another failure just wishing id die instead of keep on struggling….the reflection in that morror wasnt even proud of me it was ashamed it sneered and my heart broke again when it hit me that you’d find out you would know I broke the promise yet again and that id come back asking for same damn thing using those same damn words “im sorry please give me one more chance”…..
     Well I’m here again broken and distort by my own weaknesses. This time I dont even have face. This time maybe I should not speak you can look at me once and read a whole scroll. I wont say too much but il actually ask for a lot from you….I. not asking for one more chance considering I dont want to dissapoint you again…..im asking for a couple more chances. Last time it was a afew daysthen afew weeks then  afew months-six to be precise so maybe eith this chance it will be years or maybe forever.
    Yes dont give me one more chance just give me afew more just a couple to fix myself enough make you proud of me. Also forgive me for being too imperfect for not trying enough and seeming to take your grace so lightly….

#GiRl 4

legitimately jerrykariuki


4 Comments Add yours

  1. anduvate says:

    I know that cry

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sometimes its even embarrassing when you know you’re about to make it

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Its abit tragic that when you try so much its when you get so lost

      Liked by 1 person

      1. anduvate says:

        you should know,
        Sometimes the situation does not call for you to try- sometimes all you need to do is be there


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