He didnt think twice before asking me “Can I…I mean you wouldnt mind would you? Plus youre used to this right?”
That was tragic it opened up wounds I didnt even know I had. I felt my eyes grow heavy abd my face burned with both shame and anger. I wanted to start crying but I knew better. My mum had always told me never show a man that you’re weak and defenceless.
“You know afew months ago that would be a no brainer but I’ve changed…atleast I’m trying to” was my response it was the truth but the chuckle he made was a clear notification that he didnt think it was true.
It doesnt take much to discover that in the world we live in a second chance or changed character are just words from the dictionary…too many sayings even prove that. The likes of once a player always a player, once an easy A always one. Even when an alcohol addict is on the 30th year their still called a “recovering” addict. People recall the once upon staggers and block ther mind to the now sobber man.
So I live my life trying to clear up my messes knowing that for the rest of my life that shame will probably haunt me like a barner on my head. Its probably the reason why changing my ways is so hard meeting knew people so scary and trying to gain trust from the old ones practically impossible.
“Sure you have”he said then left. Though I could hear the distinct screech of irony in his words. I took them in anyway because to me it was true I had changed I have changed and I wouldnt call myself a recovering addict – addicted to the pleasure ,addicted to the claws on my skin when I woke up, to the feeling of conquest when they always said I was the best…
I’m a recoved addict one that found a way out one that’s waiting for someone -a rare species-to see me and not what I can make him feel even without much effort.
Yet for now. I will pat myself on the shoulder n tell myself “you did great today youll do better tomorrow.” With just that I’ll go to sleep and not think twice about all the judgemental stares I’m sure I’ll face tomorrow.