‘Nothing in this world is free’ that was a lesson that had been drilled into her head. She learnt it  at an early age and all her moves were driven by its existence. She only went for deutch dates,accepted gifts only on public holidays and never went out unless she was going to be her own bank.

    There was just one thing she had never put a price on. That was her happiness. She considered it a sacred gift that nobody could buy. That ideology was lost when she realised  to be happy she had to loose one of her most priced possessions.

She didn’t need to sell her soul but it was as close as it could get.That price would leave her cold. The thought of it made her blood freeze. She could feel the muscles on her face tighten,a distasteful taste filled her mouth and her eyes were dark. That would be the first part then afterwards she would wake up one morning and the two tons in her heart would be missing. That day her she would look at herself in the mirror and her eyes would have that sparkle she saw in happy people’s eyes.

Her plan seemed insane. She had to freeze her heart in order to be happy. The reason was simple. Her heart was the reason she had turned into such a train wreck. It had led her to all forms of impulses. The soul easily follows the heart’s decisions and for someone with such a passionate soul  it wasn’t surprising that she had passionately created a masterpiece of disaster.

A bit of a back story… After realising following her heart was a tragic strategy she made a smart move. She would give herself one  more chance. If it failed she would lock up those awful feelings. That final strike was going so well until it wasn’t. It was time for plan B.

She stretched out he body trying to reach the top cabinet of her kitchen shelf.Realising it wasn’t helping she dragged out a dining chair. At her height this would be a daily struggle a small price. She pulled out a bottle of brandy manouvered down to the floor and picked a glass.she thought of having a chaser but it stayed as a mere thought.

‘To having a fresh start’ she said mimicking a toast. Her mind drifted to that moment when he reminded her of all she had done. Her world was coming undone. This small world has resulted in him making friends with the demons that taunted her. She had given her side of the story but he seemed to be friends with the monsters. No way would she stick around. She knew a professional world. This world didn’t care if she had screwed up countless times. Its only concern was that she always got back up and the numbers always added up.

    Suddenly, she had no use for that bloody glass, as she let go of her heart’s intuition she felt her body go numb. She sat down on her kitchen floor and downed a whole  bottle of brandy desperately. She then sat and waited watching the dark and just waiting. She was waiting for the moment she would feel alive again. It would come eventually. The moment when you realise you are happy so you wonder what all those other happy moments were.

#Girl26 .

# diaryof1000girls

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