Can you fix me?

Session 1:

The therapist seemed kind. She walked in a sat across her and began her narration.She  started from what she thought was the begining

‘I was picking out  an outfit that would look good for a legal meeting but after a  call that lasted less than a minute I was now trying to find a funeral dress. Then the feeling came in.It was so intense I couldn’t move. I  felt as if acid was flowing through my veins. My breathing was heavy ,each breathe felt like a gasp for air and I couldn’t open my eyes because the air looked smoky. This was my slippery slope.

The thing is,  my husband had come to his mortal end. The man had met his unfortunate end one day prior to us finalising our divorce. That feeling I was having was a mixture of anger, pain,guilt and the worst was devastation. 

How was I going to tell my babies that instead of seeing their dad every weekend they wouldn’t be seeing him at all. They already blamed me for the first one.They would hate me and they were all I had. How was I going to cope with providing for them,being their dad too,being myself,working for them…

I struggled my way into the kitchen and picked the first bottle I could find. I couldn’t taste the sting of it probably because my pain was way worse. In a few minutes the feeling was gone. I found the strength to call the kids and break the news to them.

The feeling came to me more often. At that man’s funeral, on our anniversaries, when the bills came in,when my kids needed me and each time I fixed myself the same way. It was a small price to pay to keep my sanity.Eventually I got tired of getting that feeling. I had to prevent it from seeping in. I made my happy hour every hour. This was working up until it wasn’t.

The thing is being an addict is in a way like making wishes in a well. You keep throwing coins in and when that doesn’t seem enough you start throwing in notes. Eventually you realise the wishes are not coming true and instead of stopping with the wishes you feel the need to make more sacrifices. You offer the biggest sacrifice- yourself. Once inside the well you’re overwhelmed,for a while you have your fix until finally you realise you’ve been drowning.

I threw myself in the well and my life was great. I was making such progress. I could even sustain a couple of dates. I had found a system to fool everyone at work, my family, my kids and eventually myself.

I almost missed my son’s highschool graduation after passing out in my closet I knew I was drowning.Jack and Henny were not the ideal bestfriends anymore so I took my kids to their aunt’s house and drove up here. Can you fix me?

#Girl 40

#diaryof1000girls.

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