Model:Stacy Wairimu

She sees things in flashes. Vague confusing flashes. Images of an occurrence that apparently happened but she can’t recall any part of it.  She sees herself as a third party. Like she’s watching a trailer of a series not yet released.

She sat in the examination room subconsciously responding to the nurses questions,her mind was far away. She was mostly distracted by the distinct sharp pain that was terrorising her abdomen. 

The flashes came back. She held close the few images her brain could retrieve. They were all she had. At that moment she only had three pieces of the puzzle. Such an odd retrieval ability. She could remember having that final slice of pizz…time jump and they were watching something while… having a laugh…she was waking up but her body was still asleep.

‘please come with me,’ the nurse said with a strained poker face,’ are you here with anyone?’

That question brought in a new type of pain. She felt chocked  emotionally : all the physical pain was a distant numbness. She was alone. Barely grown yet she was alone while taking such a heavy burden. The people she should be able to trust would judge her and shun her discreetly if not openly.

As she lay on, yet another, hospital equipment a new memory came up . A memory that gave her a good grip of what had happened that night. She saw herself as a stranger asleep…No blacked out…Next to his feet… all she had on was a bra and a pair of pants. She could feel that she wasn’t wearing any knickers . Right then she knew what had happened and tears streamed from her soul. She was now sure going to the hospital alone was smart.

Her mother would never understand. She would be cross and hit her with the ‘ i warned you about such things’ speech. The rest of her family would just mock her and distance themselves. Even if she was not pregnant she would still be a disgrace.

 She thought of the man she’d been with.Her had been so cold to her since that night and now she had an idea of why. Of course people would assume that he now didn’t want anything from her. They’d say he used her and went his way classic hit and run . She thought differently,he was also young as she was so maybe he was just too embarrassed about it to confront her. He could have been as confused as she was over what happened that night.  They had both been too wasted to make sober decisions.

She thought of how unforgiving life was to her.  The cruel reality  that up to this day ,with all the feminism going round ,she still couldn’t go about her sexuality in confidence.  That she couldn’t run to her mother for comfort after making such a mistake because the world would turn on her. The universe would ask her why she agreed to go out that night?why her body was so indecently attractive? why she believed in his love? Why she drank from that cup?

‘Dear do you have anyone we can call?  The doctor asked her  after explaining to her that she wasn’t pregnant but had a growth in her fallopian tube. She wanted to know if the girl had anyone to wait on her or to receive her after the procedure.

‘No I don’t. I’ll be fine’ she said. She knew she could have called her parents,or her siblings or even her friends but she thought against it. They would help her with the physical healing but her mind would still be dying and they would never help her because you see in her world you only get one chance and if an alarm went of it was definitely not a drill. 

#girl 46

#diaryof1000girls.

Photo credits: thepotraitsguyoninstagram

Model: Stacy Wairimu

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