Closing doors

‘should I leave it slightly open?’ he asked her. His hand was already on the switch. This was a routine she had never outgrown.

‘ closed or completely open please. Goodnight,’ she responded and blew him an air kiss. He caught it out it in his heart and turned the lights off.  

This ritual had kept her safe from all terrors little kids fear. The same ritual got her through the rough cramps and sour teen moments. Ofcourse she grew up and moved out and hadn’t thought about that until that fateful day.

Somewhere in her mid-twenties  after weeks of fighting her conscious she picked up her laptop and wrote an e-mail. She was tired of asking herself questions,tired of all the uncertainity exhausted by all the half closed doors in her life.

I’m no even sure how this should go. The thing  I still remember our last night together. It was quiet and even in that heat I felt cold. You didn’t hold me and I didn’t speak. You’re courtesy felt so strained and although we were on the same bed I slept alone-atleast that’s how it felt. 

So when I woke up and found you gone I wasn’t really surprised. The shock came when I reached out and you said nothing was wrong. Against my better judgement I let it be and that’s how I lost you.

So you see I’m stuck here not knowing what happened and part of me blames myself. For being too needy,being too naive,loving you so blindly. I blame myself for not seeing things were crooked earlier. I blame myself for loosing you.  What did I do that was so bad you left without a word.

It feel like ages and my mind isn’t in peace cause it’s stuck in that night when you left and didn’t completely close the door. Monsters can creep in through that space.

Where this finds you I don’t know, but know this I’m sorry for whatever it is that broke us. If you ever miss me or need me I’ll be here and I’ll still be loving you maybe even more. 

She didn’t bother re reading the mail she just sent it to all the addresses she had been given by her informant. You see her brother had left home when she was seventeen. He was her life her bestfriend and he’d just walked out of her life without warning.

Her actions afterwards might have seemed mad. She’d stalked his social media and when she could afford it she hired investigators. Her please was simple she just needed closure. The one thing that could make the sanest of us seem wild.  You see when a door isn’t really closed there’s room for monsters to lurk in. The monsters of self doubt, pity, grief,hatred and even anger. 

Without closure it’s easy to loose the best parts of ourselves. There’s nothing wrong with trying to close doors or in some situations opening them wide.After all doors were made to create a distinct barrier right?

#girl 47


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