Look into the light

They say you can feel it, that your senses get heightened at that moment; every sound is pounder,colours are more contrasted and there’s even more lustre in stones. For those who are into fan fiction you get it more.It’s basically alot like the transition process into being a vampire.

She was at that point. If this was were a fantasy she was about to join the mystical crowd of the undead….But it wasn’t. Reality was that this transition was to something else.  She had a new thirst for life, she wanted to be reckless, impulsive and even dangerous. She was turning into a person she didn’t know. Of all the surprising things what was most prominent was her feelings. Now more than ever she felt things from the deep end. Anger was rage,attraction was fanaticism, and love… Love had found a way to mix with passion and she felt like she was a balloon that couldn’t take more in. 

What she hated from this process was how forced to hide it. At a time where she knew she needed to let it all outher natural reflex was to put up a front. Queens never show weakness even when they are going through the greatest amount of pain.

She sat at the back of the lecture hall,her hands under the desk. The trembling and numbness were back. In such a short period everything had taken a turn for the worst. She had tried being strong once, not taking the pain medication for a day.Her attempts had almost broken her. Unlike  most people she’d spent most of her teen years seeing different doctors she could almost make a directory of them by now.

Finally,not being able to hold it in anymore she got up and left class. She was weak and abit high from all the drugs. The side effect of trying to keep it together. She held back her tears nobody could ever know she felt broken. Nobody needed to know that she had started feeling how people feel just before they walk into that light. She hated that she had nobody to share what she felt with. That soon she would be gone and would have never experienced half the things this world had in store for her.

‘Not just yet’she whispered to the light she saw when she closed her eyes,’I need a bit more time’ she pleaded.That side seemed so much better it would mean no more pain,it would mean peace,freedom yet she longed for another more time in this world.  She wasn’t ready to leave on her early twenties. Wasn’t ready to leave before feeling true love, achieving a few dreams.she wasn’t ready to break her father’s heart. She wasn’t ready to believe that she was just a pawn for someone’s queen.

Ironically, she was also ready to go. She had seen it, seen that better future with zero pain. She had seen that place where here her mother didn’t resent the fact that she had made her broke. In a small bathroom stall she wrote her bucket list. She knew her time was near but she was going to leave with one hell of a parade. She would be a legend and nobody would ever remember her for weakness or pain. She would be associated with love, courage,joy ambition and all the things she had shown in the front she put up.Her only regret would be in not finding that converted ‘love of your life’s. Everything else she had done her best. She could see herself slowly get drawn to the bright light,the aurora of it all and she was ready.

The fact is that so many young people are burdened with illnesses and conditions that take so much from them. They are weighted with such heavy burdens while so young. After a while they get tired or maybe their fight just isn’t good enough and they loose. This piece is dedicated to all young people with different medical conditions. The kids burdened with so much that at some point they stop being teeenagers,or kids or young adults and are forced to save those they love from the ugliness of it all. You are never alone, your fight is worth it and your strength is enviable.

To those who have lost loved ones after years of pain. You can trust that they were heroes in their own way. We don’t know why some of this things happen but they are royalty in their courage, strength and ambition.

#Girl52

#diaryof1000girls.

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