Can I do this…

Allow myself to feel,let my feelings lead

Trust that it’s okay for you to  please

 me with what I only hope is truth or atleast acceptable lies that won’t burn my soul

let you fill the emptiness in missing pieces on a broken vessel poorly glued.

My skin remembers the feeling but doesn’t recognise this hands

Can I do this… Unlearn his print and embrace yours. 

That is the loud outcry I was silently yelling. Seated across from him I can tell he’s nervous.He’s looking at me like I’m the best thing that happened to him. I know he actually believes that.There’s a theory about how to tell where a man’s heart lies. If he spends the most important resources on you then he’s down for you.

This man requesting to see the wine menu- he’s down for me.I care about the fancy restaurants and the lush life but I’m not with him cause of that. I’m with him because he gives me what he treasures most -his time.

I can’t do this…

Love him back when I question if he’s the answer to the blank spaces in my soul.

But I have to

Start myself on a rescue mission

He is happy :satisfied by the thought that

This smile,the look in my eyes, the lack of speech ,the tears

because of him

He is wrong- maybe part of the tears 

The guilty part

The rest belongs to another

A previous love

One that spoke the language of my soul.

 

As he speaks I slowly drift away. He’s good but he doesn’t have what I want. Then I remember his face. Lord knows I had fallen for those eyes. Not the man I’m with but the one that never was. 


His eyes had a glow. They were drenched in wanderlust. He got me to explore so much by just looking into his eyes. Then there was his touch. I can’t forget how he once held my waist from behind. The sensation was strong .I felt paralysed and for a moment my world was of two souls. I want to feel that again. I crave for his voice in my ears, raising the dead parts of my soul with his vibrations. I want his arguments,his laugh,his long days and his sweat on a hot day. The scent he oozes that drives me into a trance. That’s what I want but I can’t seem to get that. I can’t replace him partky because I don’t want to.

Let’s do this

Be the tale that I can’t tell

With your lips

Remind me how he tasted

That it was extraterrestrial

A concoction of moondust and drops of sunshine

The perfect temporary forever.

This first love cannot be forgotten yet it can’t be my last

He is why I can’t love you 

He is why I will love you

 By  now he is done pouring out his soul and it’s my turn to speak. He has no idea the war I’ve been fighting all this while. I won’t tell him that his proclamation of love was a distant echo. I know what to do now I’ll work with what I have. 

‘I love you too,’ I say the words trusting that one day I’ll actually mean them…

#girl59

#diaryof1000girls

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