Blurred and blue

A  second passed, then two, then a minute… She was sure she was dead for a split second. That she had reached the other side but was pulled back into the cruel earth.She struggled to open her eyes. All she wanted was a glimpse of the world. She wanted to look at her body to confirm she still had it. She wanted to look at her limbs and confirm their connection to her frail body. She needed visual confirmation since she couldn’t feel her legs hands and to some extent, she wasn’t even sure if her soul was alive. The ringing in her ear had finally ceased and her terrified whimpers of pain were soaked in the thick unpleasant tension that had poisoned the air.

She could feel tears form at the back of her eyes, they burned like acid as she went against her will by not letting them out. The weight of her heavy soul, like glue, stuck her body to the cold tiled floor. In that moment she realized that she was probably bleeding.The floor no longer felt cold and distant. She felt as if there was something pulling her to the ground. I type of pull that was worth the fear she had in her.The loud voice had turned into a distant whisper that was constantly nagging her subconscious mind. This must be what it felt like to have an untimely death. To die before the universe has prepared the welcome wagon to the other side.The twos and fours vision she was having was not because of the blood dripping down from her left brow. It was because her soul no longer existed on the same frequency level as her body.

Stefan Beutler
Photo Credits: Stefan Beutler

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The abyss had rejected her. She wished it hadn’t, that she had died so that she did not have to live another moment in this undignified state.In that moment she realized there were only two options left. She could stay down and wait to wake up in an emergency room with him explaining what accident happened in the house.He always came up with the most compelling tales of misfortune. Her second option was to get out of the situation immediately; to leave with the few things she could gather at a moments notice hoping her pride, dignity, and self-worth would be in that package. The latter was her course of action. She gathered all her strength and stood up. He was way too shocked that she had stood up in the first place that he shut up and just stared.

In that moment roles had switched he was the one with shock spelled out on his forehead. He was in the presence of a stranger. This was not the same person who was under his rule a minute ago. He was in the presence of a god. A goddess of war, a warrior, a queen that had realized her power. More than that he saw the woman he loved, the girl who had been his best friend.He wanted to apologize beg her on his knees that she spares him her wrath. He wanted to sacrifice everything he had for her forgiveness but his shame was too strong.He just stood there looking at her soulful eyes waiting for his sentence, ready to pay the price.

This was one of those moments she had discussed while growing up. The ‘what would you do if your man hit you’ scenarios. Never in a million lifetimes had she imagined it being actualized in her life. She thought back to her mom who had gone through years of strength. She had stayed with the man that gave color to her life. The reds and yellows when he loved her passionately and when he hit her she had her share of black and blues. Nonetheless, she had stayed for she loved the man and she loved her children more. Her mom had told her that she had made all the compromise so that she wouldn’t have to. 

“I love you I always will. I also forgive you. It is for this reasons too that I’m leaving you.”

As soon as those words had left her lips she knew she had done what was right for herself and by him. She looked into his eyes one more time before leaving and was sure that his soul had been terrified. She had broken him in less than a minute and knew he would never lay a violent finger on any other woman.She considered staying a second longer to hear his ego-free apology. To stay for one more second and feel the foundation of his brutal ego crumble into pure humility and remorse, but she thought about it and changed her mind. She wanted him to feel as powerless as he had made her feel. He was to have a front seat at not understanding how it felt to be treated like a powerless human.She wanted him to realize she had control over her life.He would take time to realize that her putting up with him was a show of strength and he was a fool for mistaking it for weakness. That was why she didn’t stay that extra second. She was making it known to him that she was powerful. She took the power without consent as he had taken hers once before.

Low sun by Stefan Beutler
Photo Credit: Stefan Beutler

Girls grow up dreading this moment. The moment when the man they will fall in love with will one day does the unthinkable. Everyone has an opinion on what should happen once this unfortunate event transpires. I have come to learn that we are often too quick to judge what other women do, we have created a what’s  the right way: what’s the wrong way to react ‘handbook’. There is no such thing. The only thing that is clear is that domestic violence is not right whether from a man or from a woman. This is a pivot point situation with so many directions one could possibly take. The path after a physical or emotional assault is simply blurred and blue. There is no right answer and no way one heals immediately after. We need to get to a point where we give the required support to those affected without judging them but instead understanding them.

 

Those who stay we understand you. Women have stayed with their men for so many reasons including love and you are strong for doing that. you are heroes in your own right. You who take sacrifices are a true inspiration. There is nothing weak about you and you are looked up to by women. There are the women who leave, file lawsuits, fight back and give sanctions.You are strong and victorious too. There is no right way of healing and fighting for your dignity. As long as you are doing it you’re on the right path. find your own direction take charge of your future. Of course, all humans in this world need to realize that there is no room for violence. It is not tolerated and that will never happen. This is evident in the fact that different countries have laws prohibiting domestic violence. Communication will always be more effective than that violence.

#girl66

#Diaryof1000gilrs

Advertisements

3 Comments Add yours

  1. Tomiwa Odebode says:

    This is so beautiful, I love and appreciate how you have addressed this issue of domestic violence.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. sorrynotsorrysircarie says:

    I love the cliff hangers haha! Her reaction after being hit… “That’s the reason I’m leaving you”….😂 Didn’t see that coming.🍷

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you I think this was one of the hardest pieces I’ve written. I’m glad to know I slayed

      Like

Leave a Reply to Jerry Kariuki Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s