A trembling gasp for air broke the silence in the room. She realized it was a moan, from a point of untamed, of raw pleasure. She clawed onto a part of him and yet another moan broke free from her bit lips. Their breaths connected with its only audience – music in the background- to create a perfect harmony.
“What’s on your mind?” the sultry rasp of his deep voice brought her back to reality.
She knew this question all too well. It was the first time he was asking it but not her first time hearing it. She would be somewhere between being pinned to a wall and rolling in bedsheets when the question would come up. The hard part was deliberating whether, to tell the truth, or give her everyday one-word answer. The truth was that she couldn’t feel kisses as they ran up her neck. She was scared that they would go past her comfort zone, even after she asked them to stop. She did not want the lights on because they would see her body, she hated how their eyes accused her of being a slut. She considered telling the truth that she was faking the whole process… instead, she would simply say ‘nothing’. Nothing was a good answer as they would move past it in an awkward grunt.
After so many years and a couple of encounters, she reached the painful conclusion that she would never truly enjoy the touch of another human on her skin. She had lost that feeling ages ago and it had been replaced by a sour concoction of anxiety, fear, and regret. She was convinced the feeling only existed in good movies or poetry until he traced his hand on her skin and that old answer could not slither out of the lips…
As he looked into her eyes, peeling through her soul, she knew that something was different. Everything had an unnatural clarity. The haze of their auras mixed with rays of the afternoon sun seeping through the space between blinds, the stripes laced on their skin from passionate claws, his hand on the small of her back surging impulses up her spine, her lips on his neck tasting untold tales of mystery- they fogged the room. She could feel herself moving through the veil between the physical and metaphysical world in untamed passion. She was present at that moment, feeling his energy collide with hers. He touched her with a trembling and adoration that made her believe she was as glorious as he had once said she was. His eyes listened to her, took in her fears and gave her security, power, and control. His teeth grazed her skin with care as though she was formed from diamonds. In turn, she let out a fire that gave him an ache. She explored their connection with addictive wanderlust and for the first time, her mind was empty. All that was there was passion, pleasure, and intensity.
I’m not thinking;I’m feeling”
Humans have been gifted with pleasure and strong physical-emotional sensations. It is one of those things that make us human. One of the ways to experience pleasure is through physical relationships ranging from that accidental touch while paying a bill on the counter, to the kiss on new year’s eve with a loved one. Unfortunately, many people, especially women, are denied the beauty of feeling this because of previous abuse and toxic relationships. A huge number of teenage girls who have been sexually abused experience mental health disorders within months of the assault such as depression and anxiety disorders which affect their daily lives. Physical, sexual and emotional abuse impacts how we receive and perceive certain stimulus. This is because our minds make connections between past events and things happening in the present which may result in our defense systems going up while we are getting it on.
However, this does not mean that we are doomed to drown in the anguish of confusion, pain, and dissatisfaction. Although it may feel lonely, there are many people going through this all over the world and nobody should ever feel alone or guilty for having a struggle with intimacy. The best thing to do is to be patient and allow yourself to go through the healing process. Healing is a personal journey and everyone has the right to finding their own way to the sanctuary. It may take a month, a week or even year but we can be sure that at some point even the unseen wounds will heal too.
Intimacy is directly related to our mental state
The role of society is to be accommodative and sensitive in our interactions with people. We need to be careful about how we treat each other to ensure that we are not taking away this special gift from other people. Nobody deserves to feel scared when touched or threatened by a proclamation of love. Intimacy is a personal journey and we need to give people a chance to experience and explore it within their comfort. This means ensuring we have consent even with something as simple as a touch, ending the slut-shaming culture, not stigmatizing people who choose abstinence or do not want intimacy and passing messages of positive body image to each other. It also means looking out for our mental health and that of our loved ones because any form of intimacy is heavily connected to the state of our minds.