Losing Control

“You are asleep, this is simply a vivid dream,” She told herself rolled over her side, pushed a pillow closer to her chest, and stuffed her face in it.

She wasn’t sure what exactly she was feeling. A part of her was not sure she was feeling anything at all.  She forced her eyes shut and convinced herself she was asleep. That was how she dealt with her raging insomnia, something she had become accustomed to that she no longer considered it part of the list of her struggles.

A true struggle was the thoughts keeping her awake at 3 a.m. Realizing she wasn’t getting any sleep, she sat up her bed and stared into the darkness looking for clarity. This wasn’t right, she had worked so hard not to be that girl, the girl that sees his face every time she closes her eyes. That girl ends up on the floor, passed out, eyes sore with an empty bottle of cheap wine, and Adele’s music buzzing in the background. She had been that girl, had seen that girl, and did not want to be that girl.

Wrapped between sheets and a bunch of pillows her mind drifted. She saw his eyes, they were beautiful, they had a glassy glow that made him look unreal. This was probably what people referred to in the classic tale of getting “lost in his eyes.” There was nothing subtle about how he made advances to her. He had always been direct and open from their first encounter and for the most part, she took his candor for “childsplay”.  Who in this modern age is ever that open? She certainly wasn’t. Her walls were an impenetrable fort. Yet those eyes and that smart mouth held no secrets. In all their time together all he had done was treat her right. He brought out her genius, respected her opinions, and made her feel like a six-year-old eating cotton candy simultaneously. This scared her, it was too much power to give.

Photo Credit and story muse: Stefan Beutler.

She had mastered the art of not giving two fucks about emotions. That attitude got her respect.Nobody sought to hurt her because they realized they couldn’t hurt her, not when her heart was so far up her sleeve. This attitude seeped into other aspects of her life, she was the unphased lady at work with the perfect cool head. She was nothing like all those other women who got too emotional all the time and didn’t know how to handle themselves. She was in control… until he came along and threatened to take that from her-her control. He stood before her, sculpted like a god, his eyes spoke more than the sedating words that lingered on his lips. The musk of his scent hanging in the air like a damp mist and his arms begging her to live in their embrace. His presence was more real than the pillow suffocating in her arms. At that point, the reality of her situation flooded her mind taking away every blissful image of his essence.

” This shouldn’t feel like this. This, of all things, should be beautiful.” she heard a voice tell her as she silently sobbed herself to sleep.

It is awful that some people have to consider the power dynamics that come with accepting love in their lives and how this could sabotage their lives. A  lot of people, especially women, have become disconnected from their emotions because being vulnerable emotionally is considered a weakness.

“It’s that time of the month!” 

“women don’t know how to have a good time!

” She’s overreacting!” 

“This is why women can’t lead”

Such statements are used to describe a woman expressing herself. They have resulted in many women shying away from expressing their feelings.  This is part of the reason why women at the top constantly treat other women with cruelty and are considered too cold or bitter to find love. When a woman expresses “soft” emotions such as sadness or love she is considered weak, hormonal or unprofessional yet when she embodies “tough ” emotions such as anger she is considered a bitch, stuck up or bitter. The inverse of this is that men are limited to “tough emotions” to defend their masculinity.


Unfortunately, ignoring and suppressing our emotions doesn’t make them go away, instead, we become poor at dealing with emotions and terrible at communication. Being honest with how we feel is important as it builds us to be more secure and allows us to express ourselves better. Instead of running away from life go ahead and catch those feelings (not necessarily love feelings), embrace them, learn who you are, what you need, and communicate this to make your life easier. Emotions are not gendered therefore feelings don’t really affect your masculinity or femininity.



One Comment Add yours

  1. Siba says:

    This is so beautiful 😭❤


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